What if you already are?
A self-discovery of claiming and being your own medicine.
Dear Creator Spirit,
I have a confession. I have been struggling with something. It is a deep and hidden truth within me that has me wrestling in my creative practice.
I have judged myself harshly. Convicted myself of not enough, sentenced myself to suffer as I do the work I love.
Each day before showing up in my studio, I drink my coffee, talk to my mom on the phone or listen to a book or teaching. After coffee, I go for a walk with my husband and our pup, Otto, get some exercise, self-treat, shower—and then I get to work.
My studio is the Cosmic Dreaming Lodge. It resides on the first floor of my home. As I enter, I come in from the patio, which offers an amazing red rock view of the east, and into the casita where guests stay and also where I treat clients who come for MFR. I walk through the bathroom and into the lodge and studio. The first to greet me is the altar with all of the guides of the lodge. I say hello and pause in front of the altar, connect with the guides—today this begins the chaos.
What should I do first?!
This doesn’t happen every day. This happens, I am finding, when something big is coming through and the most human parts of me are in a sort of protection. If you know me and my story, I have had a lot of trauma in my life—childhood mostly. It is what set me on this path of healing, art, and self-discovery. And while I consciously choose to not operate out of my past wounds, there are times when the archetypal system that formed to support me goes into shadow, and I get another opportunity to work with them.
To totally surrender to my essence is not easy—though I would love it to be! When I do surrender, I see that I am never far from the mark. I see the habit of making myself small or hiding is coming up to protect me from myself. Who will I be if I am in my full power as an embodied soul? Can I allow more of the truth of who I am to flow through this body? Or will I, like Dorothy, finally realize that what I’ve been searching for has been here all along—that I was already home?
Safety in hiding
I realize that I created this habit of hiding to keep myself safe from judgment from others. The more I unearth this pattern, the more it frees me up—and frees up my creative expression. It truly is only a habit—a tactic that kept me safe for so many years as I was growing up.
Creating safety for oneself is something that is done unconsciously. It is a survival instinct. “I did the best I could.” is a phrase comes to mind as I write. I used to think of this phrase as a consolation prize kind of statement whenever it was uttered to me during a treatment session by the therapist I was working with. I appreciate this statement a lot more now for its power to release me from such harsh inner judgment.
I did do the best I could, as a little one in situations that were too big for me—emotionally, physically, and mentally—when there was no adult to support me, when it was the adult I trusted creating the feeling of not being safe. The best I could do for me was to go underground and stay there.
I was having a conversation about this very thing with a dear friend of mine. I had shared with her how when I was in my 20s in art school, I would lament at being an artist. I was painfully shy and introverted. The pain I would feel having to bare my soul to those who would see my work–and judge it was physical. It twisted me in knots. I would cry to God, “Why did you give me such a gift to express myself with this need to share it?” Oh, how unjust! A little dramatic? You betcha!
As we practice, we learn and grow
I have grown a lot since that time. As I have grown in awareness, I have learned that practicing the flow of the expression of my soul, wisdom, thoughts, discoveries, and process through art and writing is the stretch my soul needs to come into wholeness. Letting it be seen, experienced, and received is also healing for me and others. Sharing the work is a service. It is the practice of growing corn and potatoes—sacred reciprocity, or what is known as Ayni (I-nee) to the Andean people. The gift of the artist is not just for the artist alone, it is for the whole of the culture. It is a gift of medicine for all.
Unearthing my creativity is a work in process, and I keep refining. It is not that I have or haven’t healed completely—as in, I made the pain, judgement, fear go away. No! These parts of me that hold this, needs my friendship, my trust, and my love. It is a process, a deepening of a relationship with all parts of me. And to know that I get to share it—raw and honest—is an act of service: to the art, to myself, and to the whole.
Healing is a spiral. As long as we are alive in this world—walking in these bodies, breathing in this time—we will be unraveling old truths, healing ancient wounds, and remembering how to love ourselves fiercely.
As we move through this spiral of healing for ourselves, the energy that is freed up, frees up the energy around us. Much like loosening threads that have been woven too tightly together—one cannot see the beauty of the woven pattern. As we do our individual inner work, we are creating space for ourselves and the whole of humanity to begin to see, feel, and experience the beauty and abundance of being in this time and place. As we become, all is becoming.
It is the judgment I fear
Judgment: it keeps me small and wanting to hide. My own especially. I tend to judge myself before anyone else can. It is only another tactic meant to keep me safe. If I do it first, I can manage it. If you judge me, there is nothing to do but hide from it or believe it and/or let it erode my self-esteem.
We all judge. If you don’t think so, spend a little time in public and notice your thoughts. Just allowing yourself to witness what you judge, how you judge, and how often reveals a hidden truth. That truth is yours to find and can be a key into a deep healing for you.
We must learn to become friends with judgment and all the things we hide in the dark shadows. It does not need me—or anyone else—forcing, justifying, or making it wrong in any way. Just like all the parts of me, it requires love.
What judgment can teach us, if you are brave enough to go there, is how we use it as a safety to keep ourselves and each other small, create separation, and remain disempowered. As I write this, I am wondering why it is so easy to judge each other, make each other wrong, and keep each other down—when all each of us wants is to be free, to be loved, and to be who we intend.
If you can take a look at your own inner judge and befriend this part, learning how to work with it, you can alchemize the judge into a wise and discerning ally. One who can guide and support your inner growth and the harmonization of our collective connection with one another.
Is there another way?
In my last conversation with my friend Larissa Russell, of Heart-Centered Academy, we were discussing how exhausting it is to fight to be seen and heard at the same time there is a safety in the struggle. We women are rising and awakening– seeing our value and our worth, and finally beginning to claim our power. We get to do this differently than the way we were taught, the familiar out of balance way that has us doing battle inside. We asked each other, “Is there another way?” This is the topic for our LIVE podcast “Connection With Spirit”, this Monday. (see above for details)
When you are stuck in an old pattern, “Is there another way?” is a great question to ask and then wait to see what comes. Don’t rush to get the answer, let it come. The interesting thing is that when we ask the question within ourselves and wait, what rises to the surface is what needs our attention. Those errant parts of ourselves that we tucked away for safety—parts that keep acting out of fear and wounding.
The inner work we are all doing is so important right now. The closing of doors and letting go of the stories of lack, less-than, and all of the behaviors that help us to keep these stories and ways of being alive are shifting—one by one. As one of us grows in understanding, we all experience an opening to choose to expand into. Stepping out of fear of what you are seeing or experiencing and allowing the knowing that we are all in a transformation—it happens for each of us in our own time and way.
Compassion is the key: for yourself and others.
So, what if you already are? What if you already are good enough, bright enough, enough, enough– What if everything you’ve been reaching for is not out there somewhere waiting for you, but already within you—waiting to be witnessed, honored, and claimed by YOU?
Just like Dorothy, maybe the real magic is in realizing you’ve been all that you seek all along. You are the one you have been waiting for.
With Love and Cosmic Dreaming,
Deborah
P.S.
You are ready.
You are ready to release the weight of old wounds…
You are hearing the whisper of your creativity calling you home…
You are standing at the edge of your becoming… to claim the truth of who you are.
Come to the Cosmic Dreaming Lodge in Sedona, where you’ll experience a deep and personally guided healing retreat that weaves together Myofascial Release, shamanic ceremony, and creative expression, along with sacred ceremony in the vortexes among the red rocks.
If you feel the call, explore the offerings or book a discovery call.
Your voice is sacred. Your time is now.
Beautiful post 🧚♂️💯🙏