Walking Into the Unknown

Allowing fear to walk with me

In one sphere I walk in, the word fear is said to mean False Evidence Appearing Real. And whilst I know that to be true, I also don’t think it tells the full picture of fear.

See, fear is not here to hurt me; she thinks she is keeping me safe. She fully believes herself. She believes her evidence – that to her is based on experience – that there is risk and there is danger, and she loves me so freaking much she will scream and yell in my face until I stop and pay attention to her.

She will make my hands shake, and make my breath short, and make my heart beat fast, and make me sweat and cry and render me so still I cannot move. She will do anything she can to have me heed her warnings.

Not because she hates me, but because she loves me so deeply.

And so I have learned I have to listen to her. I have to enter into negotiation and hear her.

I meet her in the chaos, in amongst the raining bullets and terror she is envisaging, and we sit, her and I, and I imagine a clear protective dome over us, giving us at least a semblance of safety, but not blocking off her vision.

And I listen as she tells me about all the things that are gonna go wrong, and how I could be hurt or die or lose myself, and as she speaks, it seems she gets younger and younger, until she appears as a tiny child sobbing with raw emotion.

And when I can see her that way, I can reach her, and I hold her close, and I just let her cry. I let her be heard. I let her see this part of me that grew up, that came to know safety, that came to know there is good in the world as well as bad.

And I keep holding her, and keep holding her, and gently she begins to soften, and she looks up at me with her wide eyes and she says, “Ok. I’m ready now.”

And I feel my eyebrows furrow as I ask, “What are you ready for?”

And she replies, “We can do it now. We can do the Big Thing.”

“Oh,” I respond, surprised by this from her.

And she says, “You heard me and that has freed me to walk with you. I don’t need to stop you. I can come with you now. I will walk just ahead and clear the way, and I will yell back to you if there is anything you need to know about, but we will always keep walking. One foot in front of the other. One step at a time. And together we will do it. We will do The Thing.”

And I sit for a moment, taking this in, and then realise that’s how she has always been – my protector, my scout, my guide. She is not the enemy. She is my guardian.

And so I smile, and I say, “Ok.”

And we stand together, hand in hand, and we walk out onto the unknown path.

May we meet in the field beyond,

Claire